SEXUAL INTEREST IN WOMEN

".....You become that whom you love" ~ anonymous

Let's examine the assertion that sex with a woman makes a man masculine, that it is proof or essence of his real masculinity. The power and masculinity that those boys show, who have had sex with a girl or who claim to have had sex with a girl, is inescapable. You can't help being overawed by them. You automatically start revering them and they become your ideal. The impression that you get is that one is not a man unless one has had sex with a woman. No wonder such boys act superior and others follow them wherever they go and whatever they do.

What is it that makes men look masculine when they date women? If you have eve-teased with other guys, you would remember the feeling of power that had suddenly enveloped you ----- an overwhelming feeling of masculinity ----- of being a man. You would have felt the same power pursuing a girl in your colony or flirting with her on the bus. When others tease you associating you with a girl, that 'masculinising' feeling revisits you. Dating a girl, if you're living in a Westernised environment, would take you to the ultimate heights of feeling masculine.

How can all this not be natural? If you have tasted this power, how could you not ask for more? It is obvious that having sexual feelings for a woman is what being a Mard (masculine man) is all about.

Therefore, you cannot have enough of it. In a world where a display of sexual desire for women (a substitute for actual sex with women) has become the display of ultimate power in the race for social manhood, that defines each man's status and position among peers, boys are under immense pressure to exaggerate such feelings beyond what occurs naturally to them. In this process, they develop a deep inferiority complex, and protect their secret fiercely, causing them a lot of mental stress. Because in this power play, a lack of sexual desire for women is seen as an abnormality, disease, and a lack of masculinity. The pressure is so intense in India that the very meaning of the word masculinity (mardanigi in Hindi) has become "the power to satisfy women".

Yet this unbelievably intoxicating power is not real. Neither is this feeling of masculinity natural. The power does not directly emanate from the sexual desire for or the sex act with women. This feeling of masculine power partly comes from participating in an activity that all men are supposed to be doing. But most of it is part of a social mechanism, an intricate social reward and punishment system designed to control male sexual behaviour. This mechanism developed thousands of years ago, to ensure maximum male participation in the reproduction process, at a time when new civilisations needed more children.

The western concept of heterosexuality is also negligible in mammals, in all its aspects --- whether its male-female bonding; or casual male-female sex; or a sexual repulsion between males. For in spite of the popular notion that sex with females and reproduction are the distinguishing biological functions of a male, in reality only 5% - 15% of mammalian males in the wild mate with the females regularly (which means in every mating season). Of the rest, many mate only a few times in their life and a big proportion of males don't mate at all --- and this includes many dominant males.

In the early tribal societies at the dawn of human civilisation, few men participated in the mating process regularly, many preferring not to partake at all. Men were also not involved in the raising of children --- although they took care of male adolescents. Men spent their entire lives in male-only groups. When humans started settling down in civilisations in uninhabited lands, they felt the need to grow in number at a faster rate. Then societies started to pressurise men to mate with women.

Today, we don't need to increase our population, as it has become a threat to our survival. But this social mechanism is so deeply entrenched that it has become an end in itself. It is also reflected in our religious traditions. In Hinduism, every man is required to get married and produce a son. Others like Islam and Christianity strongly disapprove of population control measures and non-reproductive sex.

The fact that the society exerts such extreme pressures on men --- including extreme punishments and rewards --- for having sex with women, points amply to the fact that sex with women is not such a strong driving force for a big section of the masculine male population.

The society makes unimaginably huge social investments in building, maintaining and enforcing the anti-male mechanisms. A small group of people, including a class of males, do benefit hugely from these mechanisms. They are the most vocal in enforcing this system. These males get 'easy' power and manhood status on a platter --- even if they lack natural masculinity --- just on account of having sex with women.

There is nothing intricately masculine in having sex with a woman, or even satisfying her. Most masculine men are a complete failure when it comes to satisfying women. Most masculine gendered men do not have a clue as to how to satisfy women, and myths and misconceptions abound.

Most feminine gendered males are better capable of having sex with or satisfying women. This includes non-castrated hijras. In the West, they are called transgendered males. According to estimates, about 90 per cent of them are 'heterosexual'. They are better at satisfying women than masculine men because they have a better understanding of women. Satisfaction is a matter of emotional understanding and intimacy and not about the size of the penis or the duration for which one can withhold one's ejaculation.

Castrated males (eunuchs), transsexual males who have had a sex change operation and naturally born women are no less capable of having sex with and satisfying other women. They do the best job, for there is complete understanding. Social myths presume that women need to be penetrated for them to feel satisfied (to have an orgasm). However, that is not true. Women's orgasm comes from a direct manipulation of their clitoris with fingers, objects or mouth. It is not possible to achieve this with one's penis.

At the same time, not all masculine men show a sexual interest in women. That includes many alpha males (remember our own Hanuman!). A significant proportion of men have an occasional interest in women. The kind of exaggerated sexual interest for women demanded by our society from men is impractical. Again, for a masculine man, a close intimate bond with a woman may be a difficult thing to achieve because of gender differences. Therefore, satisfying women may actually be elusive for him.

How can something which feminine gendered males and women can do better than 'men', be a masculine thing? A masculine man is not dependent on such desires or sexual acts to be a real man. A naturally masculine man will remain masculine even if he has no sexual desire for women.

Today, the social mechanism to encourage/force men to participate in the reproduction process has taken the form of a 'heterosexual' society in the West, where all men and women are expected to date each other from an early age, even in school. It puts extreme pressure on boys compared to traditional societies like India, where the pressure was limited to displaying a sexual interest or having sexual intercourse but not an emotional interest. Dating is more taxing for many men. Even though it is propagated today as a masculine thing, not all masculine men want to or are capable of bonding with women (and vice versa).

All macho and warrior traditions in the past, including our own akharas, required their men to keep away from women (apart from as mothers or sisters) in order to preserve their masculinity. Many followers of Lord Hanuman to this date do not marry. This does not mean that they hate or mistreat women. These men do not see women as 'sex objects', but they have immense respect for women. Because the society had created extreme pressures on men to have sex with women, masculine men had created several women less spaces for themselves. Avoiding the company of unrelated women was important because of the pressures and not because of a disrespect for women. Sportsmen too, until recently, were required to avoid the company of women.

Most marriages in traditional societies like India, till recently, did not involve 'bonding' of man and woman. In many cases their relationship was limited to sex, raising of children and family matters. Women formed emotionally supportive relationships with other women, while men bonded with other men.

In fact in traditional societies, while there were pressures to have sex with women, bonding with women was considered a feminising factor for men. This, as we shall see is an immensely positive femininity.

Women who naturally seek to bond with men --- on their part --- too do not prefer men who are too masculine. They like femininity in men, and want their men to be soft, and sensitive, and not too dominant. Men who are more feminine are most likely to be stable and caring parents in order to raise children --- the primary concern of the female species. This has been proved in several studies in humans. This fact has also been observed in animals.

Conclusion: male-female bonds are feminine

In spite of all its pretensions to masculinity, there is a very close relationship between heterosexuality and femininity/transgenderism in males, which is indeed valuable. This relationship has also been seen in animals, especially mammals, e.g. sheep, sea lions and red foxes. While most sheep live in male-only or female-only groups, a few male sheep live in the female pack as 'females' and bond with them. A few Sea lions who ---- although they want to mate with females --- choose not to get into periodic combat with other males for this. They rather bond with females as permanent couples. Similarly, in red foxes although the female may mate with the strongest male, if she wants a male partner to raise her young, she chooses the more feminine male. Amongst humans, many 'true' heterosexuals (not those who take on the identity only as a power symbol) secretly desire to dress, live or act like women. The extreme of this is known in the West as 'transsexualism'.

In fact the only good thing about Heterosexualisation is that it promotes what is known as 'meterosexuality' in men --- something which was stigmatized in traditional societies.

Our objective here is not to denigrate male sexual desire for females or to discourage men from indulging in it. The objective is to reduce the artificial pressure on men and disperse the associated brouhaha and myths. So that men can be their natural selves, can act and feel as per their natural needs without unfair pressures that drive men to do things harmful to both men and women. In this age of human rights and open and fair societies, it is unfair that men should continue to live under oppressive myths and misconceptions. There is no justification any more to stop discussions on these issues with our youth.

Sexual bonds with women are not useless for masculine men. Apart from their importance in the reproduction process and the raising of young, such bonds give men the much-needed balance in their lives by putting them in touch with their femininity. But there is a proper time and place for such relationships in a man's life. Early youth is not that time. This is the time when boys need to develop their masculinity.

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